Weird News from the Week...

Penis Enlarger Doesn't Work

Over in Canada a man is demanding compensation for a penis enlarger he bought that he claims didn’t work. Despite 500 hours of use.

I know, 500 hours!! He’d better hope there’s not just a delayed effect on it and he starts punching holes in cars whilst trying to cross the road.

So rather brilliantly he’s taking it to a small-claims court.

The X4 Extender Deluxe Edition cost him $262. I’m presuming that’s new. I’m guessing this isn’t the sort of thing you buy second hand on eBay. No matter the star rating of the member.

And he spent 500 hours. God bless his optimism in the product. 262 dollars for all that wasted time pumping away, no wonder it’s a sore point.

And good for him speaking out. Who knows (not I, he adds quickly), but maybe these things never work, maybe it's a scam that relies on the fact people would always be too embarrassed to complain. Or too exhausted.

I don’t know though, how do you prove it didn’t work unless you have before and after evidence? I’m just saying.. He’s going to have a hard job making it stand up in front of a judge.

The Rogue Nose Hair

I have a rogue nose hair.

I blew my nose on Monday and there it was: this long dark nasal hair dangling a centimetre down from my right nostril. Thick and black and menacing.

I gasped and quickly reached for the little scissors required for such extraction.

When I looked up... it had gone. Vanished.

I investigated with a good old rummage but to my horror it had disappeared. AWOL.

The awful thing is, this hair now had a grip over me. What did it want? It was threatening to bungee bogey at anytime in public.

Then two days later.. IT WAS BACK! Like a rhinoRapunzel had let down her hair in a nightmare hairytale.

Again I reached for my weapon. This time I only took my eyes of it for a second but as I refocused on the enemy it had retreated once more, lurking in its cave. I half expected to receive a video taped message from it listing its demands.

So that's where I'm at. A rogue hair. Where does it go? What's it doing? Is there an imp in my brain using hair as a fishing rod? Lowering it occasionally looking for food?

Where are you? It's like a modern day metrosexual version of Jaws. This monster in the deep occasionally surfacing to scare all on the outside before retreating, relishing the hunt.

I need to channel Roy Scheider.  I'm going back to the bathroom now and I'm not coming out without my trophy. "Come on!", I'll scream, "I've got something for ya' now! That's it! Attaboy, come on! Right over here! OPEN WIDE! SAY AAH!"

Beat the VAT Increase!

Don’t know if you’ve heard but VAT has gone up to 20%.

It’s not been mentioned much.

“BEAT THE VAT INCREASE!” all the adverts screamed after Christmas, like it was a ferocious financial monster speeding towards us from over the horizon as we ran from it clutching our wide screen TVs, beds, kitchen appliances and sofas.

Chancellor George Osborne, says he knows it’s tough. Stopping off to speak to the press as he returned from his skiiing holiday he said “VAT is a powerful weapon”. Really? Those Taliban must be terrified hearing us Brits now have 2 and half per cent more of it! “NO!! Not VAT?!! How will we ever beat the infidel now?” "Quick! See if we can get some black market Inheritance Tax.."

The thing is though some things don’t have VAT charged on them. Namely, books and babies clothes. So I’m going to beat the VAT increase by snapping up a load of half price baby grows in ASDA and stitching them together to make a suit to go with my encyclopaedia hat. Actually food doesn’t have VAT charged on it either - so maybe we should all start wearing Lady GaGa meat dresses! With everything so expensive it's not like we'll ever be able to go out and be seen in public anyway.

Post Christmas though, my trousers are so tight - I’m more worried about the FAT increase!

(Thankyouladiesandgentleman I'm here all week. No really, I can't afford to fill my car.)

Garden Birds

I've become obsessed with the birds in our garden this winter.

With the death of our cat last year, the wild birds of Hertfordshire soon came to dance on his grave. They thrilled in his wake at fed at his wake.  They had very little shame, though to be fair he'd not tried his best to befriend them.

Anyway, the bird feeder has always been there but this year they can't get enough. Maybe it's said cat's departure, maybe it's been all the snow and ice but our garden is full of wild birds tucking in to the All-You-Can-Peck Folland Buffet.

They've become like kids to me though. I worry about them far too much. The other day we ran out of milk for our real human son.. and yet I realised whilst shopping I'd picked up an extra bag of bird seed! Still, our boy has adapted remarkably well to feeding from a coconut filled with lard.

I watch as one after another they flit in and out constantly grazing (whilst they watched me no doubt over Christmas, constantly flitting in and out of the kitchen constantly grazing - picking at Quality Street, sausage rolls, shortbread and cocktail sausages, stocking up for the winter..)

Apparently they need all this food as garden birds in cold weather lose 5% of the body weight whilst asleep. I could really do with evolving in the same direction.

Expect a weight loss DVD from a couple of Blue Tits next Christmas.

I like to sound knowledgable to my wife and son as the birds come in and out of the yard. She's Australian so doesn't know English birds so well and he's 14 months old so the only garden he's great with contains Igglepiggle. So I find myself saying 'ooh hear comes a sparrow... robin.. blue tit.. great tit.. thrush.. starling.. (I start to clutch at straws after this..).. erm.. Goldfinch... Chaffinch.. (looking around the kitchen for inspiration).. Kettlefinch.. ToastTit... (she seems unsure).. Lesser Spotted Toe Curler.. Hedge dwelling Fridgemagnetishaw.. Quality Street.. ooh Quality Street, I'll just have one of those...

A New Year

So... 2011

Which happens to be the fast train from Bishops Stortford to Liverpool Street.

A quiet New Years Eve, but nice to be up in the early hours of the morning by choice and not because a screaming child has declared it to be so.

Staying up long enough to see a generation of student's university fees be spent in 10 minutes of London Eye fireworks.

A good evening of demolishing Quality Street and playing cards with my beautiful wife. Who kicked my arse. As usual.

She even asked me 'Do you deliberately lose to keep me happy?' I'm honoured she'd think I'd do such a thing. Alas no.

So, what will 2011 hold? Will it be the year TV executives realise it's possible to make a light entertainment show without using the voice over guy from the X Factor. We can but dream.

New Year's resolution? I'll deal for beating my wife at cards.

Video Podcast: Giant Gummy Worm, Carrot Foot, Massive Mouth!

Video Podcast - Willy Wonka's Gum and Super Glue Eye Drops

Question of Why?! - Question of Sport on Tour

So there I am in a pub waiting for a friend of mine and supping on my pint whilst flicking through the dregs of one of those free London papers which save you from looking at other people.

Scanning through the Live Music pages: Michael Buble, Usher, Simply Red, The Script, Gorrilaz, Thin Lizzy, Question of Sport..

Woah, hang on. What? Friday 12th November, Wembley Arena.. A Question of Sport LIVE ON STAGE.


A Question of Sport?! Wembley Arena?

More like A Question of WTF? A Question of WHY.. why would you pay to go and watch A Question of Sport live on stage?

Why PAY to sit in a seat watching a tiny Sue Barker, Matt Dawson and Phil Tuffnell in the distance.. when you could watch it feet up on the sofa in HD?

And you know what? I've been to see so many of these sort of shows: Never Mind The Buzzcocks, Eight out of 10 Cats, They Think It's All Over, Have I Got News for You etc being recorded for TV (yes, I was tight and it's a free night out). And I can tell you that for that 30 minute show you sit through about 2 hours of material.. most of it dull and awkward. It's only with some clever editing that it's good! (With the exception of Radio 4's The News Quiz which I've seen numerous times to be fair and is always funny the whole way through).

So why watch Barker and buddies (who always seem to be drunk) on stage?! And then I noticed it was on Tour?! On Tour?! A 17 night tour! Is there a tour bus with the coiffured cougar roaming this country ensnaring sports men and women in every town? After each show do her and Tuffers hit the town with Joe Calzaghe, Steve Davis and Rebecca Adlington in tow inviting people back to their hotel rooms? How did this happen?!

I can just about understand the Doctor Who tour. I get the X Factor tour. But A Question of Sport?! At Wembley Arena?! And who on earth is the support act? Eggheads?

Oh actually, I take it back. On that particular night at Wembley their special guest is Graeme Le Saux. How do I buy?

Poxy Chicken Pox

One of the great things about sending your baby to nursery is that it opens them up to new experiences.

Since being there our son's picked up sharing, crawling, standing, waving and now: chicken pox.

Yep, plenty of disease in fact. You work all week to pay lots of money to have someone look after your child and then the child gets ill because of the nursery, but you can't send them there.. so then you take time off work to pay for the place your child isn't even using.. and anyway you can see how wonderful it is.

I feel a bit like we've been collecting children's Disease Trading Cards, you know like kids swap at school. Having gathered quite a few colds, nasty coughs (there's a lot of these printed, very common) and a couple of gastroenteritis (more specialised..) we've hit the jackpot with Chicken Pox.

And ohmygod.. It's like the Plague! Hideous. And you think, how come there isn't a vaccine?! Well, there is.  In America they do immunise against it! There's a vaccination kids can have that stops them catching it, but over here in the UK we figure it'll damage the Camomile Lotion industry so we haven't bothered.

I went to the pharmacy and picked up camomile cream instead until the nice lady pointed out that this was for cracked nipples. She helpfully illustrated this for me by circling her own nipples with both hands and pulling a pained face just in case I wasn't aware of the two areas a woman might find such things. (Turns out you can use this on chicken pox by the way, so maybe she was just a bit kinky).

Anyway, it's day 4 out of a possible 10 apparently and it's pretty horrific, but does make you feel like a real parent taking care of them. Today we went to the doctors as he has it in his mouth and eye. I've never been seen so quickly! As soon as you say 'chicken pox'  you're treated like a VIP! (Very Infected Person). They march you up different stairs and lock you in a cupboard while you wait to be seen.

We're stocked up on many remedies. In a bid to be mildly useful, I'll write that the most recent advancement seems to be Virasoothe which goes on the pox to cool and ease the irritation. Plus of course calpol and calprofen.. And today I picked up some Children's Piriton Syrup. It does say on the side though 'Caution': apparently they 'shouldn't be allowed to drive or operate machinery'. So there goes our afternoon down the mine.